As I write this at 1:25 in the morning, I realize I might have insomnia. I have not been clinically diagnosed, this is entirely on my own observations of my behavior. There is a high probability that I could be wrong.

Part of the moment that sparked this thought was watching an episode of Better Call Saul from season 4. In the episode Saul and Howard run into each other by accident and Howard is very clearly exhausted. Saul genuinely asks if he’s okay and Howard says yes, while also stating that he has insomnia and that he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. My sister’s fiancé also has insomnia, although he also has several other concerns as well. The only other person I know that has insomnia is Jukka, the former drummer for Nightwish. Actually, the reason he left the band is because of his insomnia.

I often stay up until 1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 am. I don’t really want to stay up that late, I just can’t sleep. It’s not that I’m scrolling through social media all night, I’m actually not on social media at all. Sometimes I’m typing things like this, a few minutes ago I was typing a cover letter for an application to grad school. Is there a reason I should know more about insomnia? Is it something I learned about health class in school? I don’t think it was? Should it be?

I’ve always had a problem with fidgeting as well. Even as an adult, sometimes my legs will start shaking so much the vibrations will begin knocking things off bookshelves. Sometimes if I notice I’m doing it I’ll stop and there will be cathartic relaxation, but a few minutes later it will start again. When I was young my family would go to live performance of A Christmas Carol every year. I remember distinctly having a very difficult time sitting thought that performance, and not just because I don’t like the story. I have a terrible time sitting for very long and even at work I’m constantly getting up to walk around. The more I learn about people, the more I wonder, are any of us normal?

I also wonder about my proclivity for panic attacks. I was thinking about whether or not my body making me stay up this late had anything do with me being worried about something happening soon? Normally in a panic attack I feel like I’m about to throw up, I start dry heaving, and feel like I’m about to pass out. It’s quite rare for me to get one these days, but when they do happen the effect is just as powerful as it’s always been my entire life. I’m not feeling that effect right now, and it’s not normally something I feel when I stay up this late. Maybe there is a different cause to all of this?