I was at the gym to take out my anger again. On my drive over I screamed several times loudly. I ran 7 miles. On the treadmills in front of me their was a gorgeous girl in a yellow tank top and black sweatpants with a big blue waistband. I desperately wanted to talk to her and told myself repeatedly I would regret it if I didn’t. 10 minutes go by. I go to the locker room to change clothes. I smelled pretty bad after running. After freshening up a bit and washing my hands three times to bide time, I went back out. I wiped my face off with another antibacterial wipe. I stood by a treadmill for a few minutes before “Hi, I like the blue and yellow, they remind me of a van Gogh painting.” She takes her earbuds out, I say it again. She smiled and put her headphones back in. I walked away and left. Even though she was clearly uninterested, I’m happy I had enough courage to give her a genuine compliment. It made her happy, and that made me happy too. Happy new year everyone.
Most things I fail to do are because I'm scared, not a lack of desire. I deeply desire to have sex, to kiss someone. I desire and enjoy warm liquid surrounding my body. Blood is a warm liquid. I dream of warm blood flowing down my legs. Other times I imagine blood flowing down the walls of my bedroom. I'm terrified of the pain that may ensue from cutting myself. Public pressure is the only wall standing in between me and doing dangerous things to myself in public. It prevents me from ruining my life even more then I already do by confining my self destruction to my home. This is why I refuse to take a job that offers working from home. It would lead to nothing but my expedient ruin. While public pressure serves a good in this case, it also prevents people from doing things which would be worthwhile for them in fear of being outcast from society.
These thoughts came to me last night after reading through almost the entirety of the blog by Chesca
Salty Salutations,
from Captain Seawater
I went to the gym to take out my overflowing anger on the treadmill. While running the most beautiful girl I had seen in years started riding a stationary bike in front of me. She was wearing a yellow shirt and black yoga pants, the same colors as the yellow shirt and black shorts I wear every time I’ve gone to the gym for over a year. She set her brown and yellow winter coat, the colors of Hufflepuff on the handlebars.
The entire time I was running, I was mesmerized and became determined to talk to her. When I was at 4.8 miles she began to put on her jacket. I stopped, ran up to her and said “I like the yellow, it looks good on you. It’s my favorite color actually, you wear it well.” She grew a big smile on her face and I walked away. I got my backpack from the locker room and left.
While sitting in my car I saw her walk out. I thought about getting out to go say more but never did. I justify it by saying it was after dark, she was outside and alone. Deep down it’s because I was too scared. I’m getting better at talking to strangers but am still scared of rejection. I’m too scared to ask someone on a date. That’s my next step.
Salty Salutations,
from Captain Seawater